Look out, I just had an epiphany!

(I should put a flashing warning sign around this post to keep unwary readers from discovering my greatest flaws, but I have to vent and this seems like a good a place as any.)

I'm not quite sure when this notion first occured to me but I know that it was a gradual onset, like a sickness that starts out as just "feeling off" then lays into you until it's thoroughly gutted your insides. Then again maybe this is a reoccuring epiphany that I forget over and over again just to trick myself into believing the opposite.

Realization: I am not good enough.

I've known this horrifying reality since I was a kid. I was never first place, but I ran a great second. I tried so hard to do my best, but I never seemed to reach the highest plateform and claim my prize. Someone was always better. I realized that I am not a good enough mother the first day I brought Tate home from the hospital. And now that feeling has only doubled to accomodate my daughter as well. I'm not a good enough singer or songwriter to accuratly portray what I'm dying to say. I can put my whole heart and very soul into things and the outcome is always the same. Sorry, your not good enough.

How do people do this: have four or five kids and raise them well, be successful and fullfill their goals and do both with effortless sanity. Then I had another epiphany.

They don't do it alone.

There is an unseen power that flows into these ordinary people, turning them into the object of my envy. A mother who quietly, without yelling, staives off the complete meltdown of a toddler while still having control of all the other children as well. An artist who has the courage to put the feelings of their heart onto paper and trusts their voice and their audience to recieve the message as pure as when they first felt it. These amazing individuals are not perfect nor effortlessly sane all the time. They are not good enough on their own either. There are heavenly hands carrying them and giving them those gentle nudges when necessary. The only extraordinary thing about these people is that they have asked for the help and accept it.

Maybe that's why sometimes I forget that I'm not good enough, because sometimes I too pray for help and it comes just as soon as I need it and suddenly.... I am good enough after all.

Happy New Year!

I'm excited for the new year. We are already starting off 2009 with some cool new happenings. First of all we are finally getting a second vehicle. Whoo -hoo! After Alex signeded up for school this semester we realized that we were absolutely going to have to get a second car. So as luck would have it we found the perfect 2000 Jeep Cherakee for sale in St. George. We haven't been a two car family for over 2 years! I don't know how we did it so long. In other exciting news today Allie decided to potty train! I know, she's not even 18 months old yet, but she was the one who told me she had to "poo poo" and low and behold she went in the potty. But the moment she looked in the little potty she started screaming and crying at what was there. After some convincing she was very proud of herself and even told me later that she needed to "pee pee" but we didn't quit make that one. I hope she decides to keep it up I'd love to not have to buy diapers anymore!